we hide things

I really hate jazz class.
I am always in a bad mood after class and today I went and cried in the bathroom in frustration and self hatred afterwards.

And yet this class may just be the answer to my prayers.

I just wish I felt I was getting somewhere. I'm sick of being bad at this!

There it is. I'm sick of being so stupidly inanely repeatedly bad at this. It's not even about embarressing myself in front of classmates anymore. We've gotten to know each other and even the little miss perfect at the front of the class has turned out to be such a good hearted, unjudging person. Its about me now. Its always about me. I am frustrated and disappointed at myself for not being even averagely smart at this, like I am with school and swimming.

A little before school started I started to realize how prideful I am. If I kept all the commandments I'd make up for it by breaking that one a million time over. So I foolishly prayed for humility and a repentant heart. Just goes to show you how dangerous reading the Imitation of Chirst (part of what made me pray that prayer) can be.

This Jazz class is turning out to be the answer to my prayers. I'm beginning to realize how much of my self esteem I derive from comparing myself to others. Most crumble under the weight of shame when they fall into this habbit but it just goes to show the strength of my survival instincts that I also developed an ego to supliment the comparison habbit. Coke and Heroin must be great together.

So here I am guys, at the pits; realizing my problem and having no idea of how to change the way I think. God's really got to work some miracles here. Here it comes! The big lolly pop of repentance in all its hairy self. They say it comes in two flavors; crow and foot.
Tickets to watch me eat it are on sale Tuesdays and Thursdays 2:30- 3:30 in the left hand gym of the UTK dance studio.